Ok I understand that. My parents want me to marry to my cousins but I know that it will cause problems in the future. It can cause conflicts too, I want to prevent myself from messing my life up by marrying my cousins. If I get conflicts with my cousin as a wife then I will get into many sins like turning away from my family and children and not coping with my wife and all family conflicts. I just firmly believe that it will cause problems in the future. My family like my cousins and aunties are very toxic too and involved in black magics and stuff. They will make my life hell for me.

Our ustadh here was once asked something like this. He was not recommending it, he said even though a man can marry without his parents’s consent, it is not the best and wise decision.
We’ll miss so much barakah. In the future, we will face many problems in our marriage, and we will need the support of BOTH families including our parents.

– make a lot of du’a to Allah. Pray istikharah. Wake up in the last third of the night and pray. When we’re already attached to someone, it’s very difficult to be objective. So let Allah guide us. Get closer to Him. Our attachment to Allah has to be stronger than anything else. He will surely make a way out of our difficulty.

– try discussing it with our parents with open mind & heart. Why are they against it? Could they have reasonable arguments? Be very kind to them. Show them that we love them. Pray to Allah to soften our hearts.

Oh my god same, I actually cried so much when I read that Allah actually helps you, Subhanallah

BismAllah arRahman arRaheem  

Salam alaykum Dear Sister,

Jazaki Allahu Khairan for your comment. The question you asked is indeed very important and has become quite common in recent years especially, one can observe.

So, I wanted to be very careful and try to give this issue justice and answer to the best of my ability.

There are some tips on how to find a spouse, which we will share later on here. But there are some issues that we need to remember first.  

Based on observations, it seems that finding a good, righteous spouse has become an issue that many Muslim brothers and sisters in the East and the West are struggling with. 

As Muslims, we can’t compromise. We can’t simply delve into relationships that are unlawful because we know the spiritual/personal outcome of delving into the haram in this life and the next. So, on the one hand, our love, respect, and dedication to Allah (subhanhu wa ta’ala) prevent us from seeking the haram. On the other hand, sometimes, the halal is not facilitated and there are some barriers to marriage and finding a suitable spouse. 

There lies the test!

When the halal seems difficult/delayed/not facilitated– what do we do? Do we submit to the haram, do we give up, or remain steadfast despite the challenges…?

This is the choice one needs to make. 

This is not an issue to take lightly because it is not a light matter to many brothers and sisters and there needs to be enough understanding and respect to their emotions, and how this issue could affect their spiritual, personal, professional and social productivity.

So, let’s remember of a few issues here to help us with understanding this situation:

*Spiritually*

1- First of all, one needs to remember that this situation could be a test from Allah (subhahu wa ta’ala). Allah can grant us all our wishes easily, and He will grant us everything that we crave in Jannah for eternity while requesting nothing from us anymore…for eternity. But in this life, we’re tested… with the good and bad. Everyone is tested, not just us. We’re all being tested differently. Sometimes, this particular issue could be a big test to one’s faith and expectations of Allah. So we have to reflect and be very careful and make sure our faith is intact while we go through this test.  

And here is what we know about tests: tests mean Allah knows we can handle something, they mean there is a huge reward definitely in return, they mean that; either our sins are being forgiven or our status is being elevated in Jannah near Allah for eternity (which is the whole purpose of our existence in the first place). This is what comes with being tested. Because the issue could be elongated or it could get really draining sometimes, one needs to constantly remember the heart of the matter and the reality of this world.

Because this is a test also, you might observe that some people would take all the possible means, and still nothing works. Again, this could be part of the test, and this is when patience and having good expectations of Allah and unwavering hope in Him MUST kick in. The most crucial point is to never give up on having hope and a hopeful/optimistic mindset and that Allah knows best and is doing the best for you.

2- Secondly, in addition to remembering that it’s a test, we must remember the Qadar of Allah. This means that you are exactly where Allah has decreed for you. You couldn’t have missed this. You couldn’t have prevented this. This issue sometimes gets long and tiring to some brothers and sisters, and they start having all sorts of doubts/feeling of guilt even. But one needs to remember the Qadar, and remember this hadith:

“Know that what has passed you by [and you have failed to attain] was not going to befall you, and what has befallen you was not going to pass you by. And know that victory comes with patience, relief with affliction, and hardship with ease.” [ 40 Hadith Nawawi: https://sunnah.com/nawawi40/19%5D 

This should give us a bit more relief, especially that it is the Decree of the Most Merciful, and the Merciful one decrees nothing but mercy; even if it doesn’t appear as such outwardly, but it does indeed contain hidden mercy for us (remember the story of Prophet Moses from Surat Al Kahf Chapter 18 of the Qur’an as well).

3- One needs to remember that a good husband/wife is rizq (sustenance) from Allah. Allah distributes the rizq among His Slaves according to His Wisdom and Knowledge. At the end of the Day, Allah is in control, the means are only outward, but essentially, it is Allah who provides and withholds according to His wisdom. And so, when we say make dua, it shouldn’t be taken lightly, because it means one is submitting the affair to the One who is ultimately in control, The One in whose Hands is the solution. He will either grant you your request, or teach you His wisdom, and then grant you the reward. No one can prevent Allah’s rizq that He decrees for you, and no one can provide you with what He wiwithholds. The affair really lies in His Hands, so one must use this time to get closer to Him, ask of Him and reflect and see His wisdom and remember all the other blessings one has like health/family/food…etc.   

Most importantly, there is NO reason why one should assume that Allah won’t grant him/her their wish. Just look at the example of Zechariah (peace be upon him). Despite getting old, he kept making dua to Allah to grant him a child. There were absolutely no means for him to get a child; he is old and his wife is barren. STILL, no one can withhold what Allah wishes to provide. This is a key point here. Zechariah could have given up asking for what he wants and think that he’ll get what he wants in Jannah or that Allah will take care of his family after he dies… But he kept making dua and telling Allah why he wants to have a child, thus being conscious and serious and having legitimate reasons for his dua.  

“He said, “My Lord, indeed my bones have weakened, and my head has filled with white, and never have I been in my supplication to You, my Lord, unhappy.

And indeed, I fear the successors after me, and my wife has been barren, so give me from Yourself an heir

Who will inherit me and inherit from the family of Jacob. And make him, my Lord, pleasing [to You].” (Qur’an 19: 4-6)

So, no matter how long this issue takes or how complicated it seems, there is no reason one should belittle making dua or stop having the highest of hopes and the best expectations of Allah.

It is tough. It could definitely be tough sometimes. But this is the challenge and this is the test, and it’s doable and the rewards in this life and the next are worth it. 

*Personally/professionally*

While being in this situation, one should definitely work on personal growth. So, one should use the free time to learn and memorize the Qur’an, use the talent in dawah or in good activities to help others.

Find your passion/talent and work on it.

Don’t make it a period of waiting, but make it a period of growing and developing as a person.

Do not waste this opportunity. Grow emotionally, intellectually and even professionally as a person within your capacity of course. Learn and help others.

You have to find a meaning and a purpose for your existence. Leave your imprint. It doesn’t have to be something huge or global. It could be having a beautiful impact on those in your direct circles (even if it’s only showing mercy to animals in your neighborhood) so long as you’re benefitting others, this will give you a sense of meaning, purpose and hope. Never leave yourself to emptiness or having too much free time with no plan or purpose—this is when the worst things could happen emotionally, mentally and physically.  

Just don’t stop learning and benefitting others, whether your family, friends, colleagues or neighborhood. You are much more than waiting for a person to make everything right for you. You need to find ‘you’ before that person can find you.

*Socially*

Now, here are the tips that one could consider. Yes, dua is powerful and it could be THE MOST powerful tool of all given what we mentioned above, but we could also make sure that there isn’t something in our hands that we can do.

For ladies, no matter what tips you follow, make sure your dignity and your hayaa’ (modesty) are preserved and are not compromised even in the slightest.

So what are some suggestions:

1-     Expand your circles by joining activities/halaqat (religious circles) for example. This does NOT mean mixed circles. You don’t need to do that. If you’re in girls’ only circles, it is very likely and quite easy for any of the sisters you’ve met to recommend you to someone/recommend someone for you. Many marriages work like this. The point is that you be known to increase the likelihood of finding someone, and that you’re not completely hiding yourself from everyone in existence. Again, this doesn’t mean being known in mixed gathering intentionally. It doesn’t make sense to seek the halal rizq of Allah by doing things that are unlawful such as unlawful gatherings/outings…etc.

What about those who have done haram and got married? Well, you do not know the outcome of their lives or how they’ll be judged in the hereafter or how Allah will test them later on in their lives or what better rizq they could have gotten had they followed the halal routes, maybe what they got is the worst of what Allah had in store for them. All you know is that you have to do the right thing because that’s what’s required from you and Allah is Just and He will not let something wrong go unnoticed nor something right go unappreciated/unrewarded.  

2-     Try to ask trustworthy married sisters if you are a sister/brothers if you are a brother in your circles to look for someone for you. They could know someone in their own spouse’s circles. This is a very likely to succeed method as well. Just make sure the sister/brother you ask is well mannered and trustworthy.

3-     Try to ask the sheikh/female teacher in your area to recommend someone for you. Usually, male and female teachers are in touch with many young brothers and sisters in the community.

4-     You can ask your own Maharem (male guardians) to recommend someone for you. Don’t think about their helplessness and how they “don’t really know what you want”, rather think of Allah’s Power and how He perfectly knows you and can provide you through any mean- even the most unlikely ones.

In all cases, just make sure you constantly make istikhara before every move, and that you don’t follow what is haram so you won’t waste the opportunity of what’s halal. If you fill your cup with haram, how do you expect Allah to pour the halal into it?

 
And remember that, again, Allah can provide you with absolutely no mean whatsoever; He can provide you from where you do not expect.

 
There are many stories to reflect that. I recall a story of a sister who was simply going to purchase a dress from a ladies’ only store, and there she found a sister who approached her to tell her about her brother who is looking for a wife. There were tens of other ladies in the store, but that lady approached her from among a sea of other sisters, just because this was the decree of Allah that no one can prevent. And very miraculously and swiftly, this whole issue was facilitated and the brother turned out to be quite a decent person who understands her nature and her needs very well even more than the people who know her for ages.

 
Again, Allah can provide you from where you don’t expect. Just have hope, make dua and go about your life normally and insha’Allah, relief will most definitely find its way into your life; there is no doubt about it. There is NO doubt about it. Let your heart rest! 

 
Here are a few more of my writings to help insha’Allah with more information. May Allah facilitate all of your affairs for you, sisters, and grant you the best rewards in this life and in Jannah. Ameen.

http://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-about-islam/how-to-get-a-husband/

http://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-about-islam/meeting-potential-husband/

http://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-about-islam/what-should-i-ask-a-potential-spouse/

I am so glad you did, Sidra. AlhamduliAllah. May Allah expand your chest and give you peace always.

Salam alaykum Sister WA,

Jazaki Allahu Khairan.

Regarding your first question, it actually depends on the situation. But generally speaking, when a suitor officially proposes, there is the first meeting (called ro’yah shar’yah, i.e. meeting a potential spouse and her family with the purpose of marriage). This meeting usually helps both partners determine whether there is an overall “qobool” or acceptance of the other partner in terms of looks and other compatibility elements (socially, intellectually…etc).

If there is initial acceptance and seeming compatability, you can have a second meeting to ask about the details of the matters that concern you the most about marriage and what you want in a partner.

You can have around 3 or a few more meetings until you fully know whether you want to proceed with this proposal or not. Some sisters and in some cases the matter is almost fully resolved from the very first meeting (either complete acceptance from both sides, or rejection).
And other sisters need a couple more meetings to ascertain whether they find the person suitable or not.

When it all happens while involving the maharem of the lady (male guardians), the whole issue becomes serious and focused– and even when it ends, there are hardly hard feelings.

It is not advised to elongate this period at all or remove the maharem from the picture lest one gets emotionally entangled and it becomes harder to reject or move on when it doesn’t work out.

And don’t worry, Allah is in full control of the hearts that He created; when we have taqwa He brings to us those whose hearts are like ours and He instills pure love and peace and serenity among those who seek the halal and pure.

It’s important to keep making istikhara literally in every step of the process. It helps tremendously to involve Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) every step of the way through the brilliant dua of Istikhara.

Regarding the second question, please read the reply here below to sister Hanum. I had both of you in mind while drafting that answer below.

May Allah facilitate all of your affairs for you, sister and comfort your heart. Ameen.