Assalamu’alykum. In the next article we will touch IA on spiritual dimensions, and how to build the relationship, but would like to raise/reiterate a couple of quick points; they are general points but hopefully they will apply to your myriad challenges including in dressing/judgments:
1) aim for direct communication wherever possible, ie communicate with your mother-in-law directly and your spouse directly and try not to have anyone as intermediary. If there is a sense of any ganging up, try to diffuse the situation, by being humble but honest with each of the parties involved;
2) take the relationship outside, yes, outside, sometimes a change of environment does wonders to change people’s perspectives, and literally give everyone a breath of fresh air;
3) when the going gets really tough, as the Islamic counselor commented above (Afshan Khan), try to imagine being the mother-in-law and how you might feel in this situation;
4) try to maintain a somewhat independent schedule, where ever possible;
5) but also look for areas in which to collaborate (and it need not be the kitchen); again we will touch on some spiritual collaboration in the next article, but it is so important to try to develop the relationship, not simply deal with it;
6) if there is no improvement, then you may need to seek outside help from couselors who may be sympathetic but ultimately focused in helping you work toward sustainable solutions;
7) and finally always be relentless in your prayers/duas on the subject and look to the Seerah for insights. Our deen is intended to help us in every situation IA.

Also the wife does have right to her own living space so when her husband houses her in the same space as his parents, some burden to smooth things over does fall on his shoulders.

Also I don’t know if I completely agree with the idea of daughter in law communicating directly with mother in law. I have a really nice mother in law alhamdulillah and on any sticky topics about which we know she has alot of feelings about, my husband and her deal with it. He has asked me to let him take care of issues like that. That way I’m never the bad guy. It makes my mother in law realize he has some strong opinions and that I’m not ‘pulling his strings’ or anything. So me and her are then left to have a more smoother relationship. He tells her good things about me and doesn’t ever relay my frustrations or vice verca. I think this is a point where the couple needs to guage which option is best.

I think the inlaw issue is very much about the son..and also about the basic concept of rights/boundaries. If those are in place, it’s not the toughest thing to get around. but when people have reaaaaly strange expectations and daughter in law is not granted any rights, that’s when I think issues mainly happen.