Jameela Ho, Author at ProductiveMuslim.com https://productivemuslim.com/author/jameelaho/ Meaningful Productivity That Connects This Life With The Hereafter Fri, 04 Jan 2019 18:53:12 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.6.2 https://productivemuslim.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/favicon-180x180.png Jameela Ho, Author at ProductiveMuslim.com https://productivemuslim.com/author/jameelaho/ 32 32 Does Your Child Talk Back? Here are Some Tips for You https://productivemuslim.com/preventing-dealing-back-talk/#utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=preventing-dealing-back-talk https://productivemuslim.com/preventing-dealing-back-talk/#comments Mon, 21 Aug 2017 05:00:31 +0000 https://productivemuslim.com/?p=15120 Mom: “No, for the tenth time, you can’t have those designer shoes that you don’t even need!”  Child: “But everyone has a pair! Do you want me to be the only one who doesn’t have them?” —- Mom: “For the third time, please clean your room!”  Child: “Why? It’s gonna get messy again anyway!” Does

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Mom: “No, for the tenth time, you can’t have those designer shoes that you don’t even need!” 

Child: “But everyone has a pair! Do you want me to be the only one who doesn’t have them?”

—-

Mom: “For the third time, please clean your room!” 

Child: “Why? It’s gonna get messy again anyway!”

Does this sound familiar? Are you constantly dealing with a child who talks back and refuses to listen to you?

Well, to solve this problem, we need to understand what is back talk and how to deal with it?

There are different types of back talk. You may have a child who starts to delve into an explanation or justification as to why he is right or why he should be given what he wants when you’ve just told him he cannot have it. Leading on from this, you might have a child that wants to have the last word, where no matter what you say, he/she has a comeback. Your child may get angry easily or tends to give a sarcastic or snappy retort, thinking that it is perfectly acceptable to speak in this way.

A lot of back talk stems from what the child sees as normal from hearing his friends and peers, and even adult influences in his life. It can also stem from the media – movies, TV shows, or social media – cultures that are encouraging of this kind of communication. Whilst it is important to speak out against injustices, speaking back out of our own desires, especially to parents, is selfish and rude.

Our children have rights over us and we have rights over them. They deserve that we treat them with Ihsan (excellence), and Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) is also expecting them to treat us with Ihsan.

Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) says,

And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, [excellent treatment]. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], “uff,” and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word. [Qur’an: Chapter 17, Verse 23]

We want our children to avoid falling into the sin of mistreating their parents. Also, if we helped them and facilitated for them having a healthy relationship with us, this will bring immense barakah (Divine Blessing) into their lives.

We need to remember also that if the habit of back-talk begins at home and is not dealt with, it can translate into other areas of life, like in school towards teachers, or in the workplace towards managers and colleagues. It is not a healthy way to deal with conflicts, can cause resentment and is a negative representation of the Muslim student/colleague.

So, in this article, we’ll look at what you can do when your child talks back, and what are some tips to prevent backtalk in the future and help your children towards having good akhlaq (mannerism).

How do I deal with the back talk from my child?

1. Stay Calm

When your child acts disrespectfully towards you, you might want to yell and scream back. But doing so will make the situation worse. You will end up in a screaming match, a power struggle, that we all know no one ever wins normally. Stay calm by seeking refuge with Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) from Shaytan, press your mental stop button and purse your lips to hold it closed. The rule of keeping silent unless you have something good to say applies here. Abu Huraira raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) reported that our beloved Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said,

“Whoever believes in Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) and the Last Day, let him speak goodness or remain silent.” [Sahih Muslim]

Once you have calmed you are now ready and can then continue to these next steps…

2. Identify the nature of the back talk and respond

Try to identify: is your child justifying his actions or reasons why he should have something or does he just want to have the last word? Is your child being angry and rude or is he copying a behavior? How you respond next depends on the type of back talk.

  1. If it is to justify: Acknowledge your child’s feelings or wants and restate the no: “I know that you really want to go to your friend’s but I’ve said no”. If he keeps responding then each time, empathize and repeat the no such as, “You’re upset that you can’t go but the answer is still no.” “It’s frustrating to not get what you want but no you can’t go.” After a while, your child will know that you won’t change your mind and will stop.
  2. If it is about having the last word: Whatever you say here, your child will have a comeback. So it’s better not to encourage it by engaging with him. Answer your child with phrases such as “That’s nice”, “Uh ha”, “Okay”, “Good” in an uninteresting voice that discourages conversation. After a while, your child will realize that you’re on auto-pilot and will cease. After all, who wants to talk to someone who isn’t responding properly?
  3. If it is an angry response or copied behavior: Acknowledge your child’s feelings or wants and explain the behavior that is not acceptable. Explain to your child that it’s alright to feel a certain way but it’s not alright to express it the way he did. Be clear on what he did that was not acceptable. For example, “It’s alright to feel upset but it’s not okay for you to yell and shout at me.” Or, “It’s natural that you want to fit in and do what everyone else is doing but it’s not right for you to copy being rude.” You can also ask peacefully if what he just did is a good behavior to copy.

3. Offer an alternative way

Show your child there is another way to act or react. If your child is shouting, then tell him to use his lower speaking voice. Help him to clearly state what he feels instead of yelling.

4. Try not to get drawn into an argument

Be a broken record and repeat what behavior is unacceptable and also repeat which behavior is correct. Walk away if you have to. Just remember that A’ishah raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) narrated that the Prophet Muhammad ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said,

“The most hated person in the sight of Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He), is the most quarrelsome person.” [Sahih al Bukhari]

5. Remind the child of the rules and consequences

Just remind your child of the rules and consequences that you’ve set up earlier. For example, “In this house, we speak nicely to each other. If not then –“ or “Our rule is ‘to help each other’, if you don’t do your bit then –“.

6. Apply a consequence

If all the previous steps haven’t deterred your child, then it’s time to apply the set consequence. Be firm.

How can I prevent my child from talking back?

For parents who have not experienced this behavior, establish the following five ways to prevent back talk in your household immediately. The atmosphere of your household can be greatly improved when you make a conscious effort to change the way the people in your family communicate. As with everything, prevention is better than cure, so start when your child is young, to prevent him from learning any rude speech.

1. Model the way you talk

Look at how you talk to others. Are you argumentative, sarcastic, snappy, rude or disrespectful to those closest to you? Every time you talk to your spouse, your parents or your in-laws, your child is observing you. If you do these things then he’ll learn that it’s a normal way to talk to others whom he loves and one day it will come back to you.

So adjust these mannerisms to a politer form. RasulAllah ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) used to say,

“The most beloved to me amongst you is the one who has the best character and manners.” [Sahih al Bukhari]

Treat others with the best of manners and your child will see this and copy it. At the same time, you must try to leave arguments altogether. Abu Umamah raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) reported: The Prophet Muhammad ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said,

“I guarantee a house in Jannah for one who gives up arguing, even if he is on the right; and I guarantee a home in the middle of Jannah for one who abandons lying even for the sake of fun; and I guarantee a house in the highest part of Jannah for one who has good manners.” [Sunan Abu Dawud]

The other reward is that your child will learn to speak nicely to you.

How do you speak nicely? One way is to not answer back or argue with others.  The other is to modulate your voice to low and try not to raise it. Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) says in the Qur’an,

“And be moderate in your pace and lower your voice; indeed, the most disagreeable of sounds is the voice of donkeys…” [Qur’an: Chapter 31, Verse 19]

2. Recognize your child when he speaks well

In other words, give your child positive attention when he is being polite. Shower him with attention and show him that you’re pleased. Smile brightly at him and say, “Masha’ Allah, that was such a nice way to say ___. You’re so polite!” As an added bonus, give a hug if possible. The more attention you give to something then the more important it’ll become.

3. Listen attentively

Pay attention to what your child tells you by looking at him when he speaks to you. Learn to read his emotions and reflect that back to him and paraphrase what he said. When you can do all this, your child will feel that you’ve listened and have understood him. Sometimes children get upset because they feel that they weren’t heard and have not been understood. They become angry and feel the need to justify their feelings and thoughts.

4. Change the way you command

Nobody likes to be told what to do all the time. As parents, we tend to order, direct and correct our children all the time. We also tend to nag when they don’t do something or if they do something wrong. This was not something that the Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) did. Anas raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) said,

“I served the Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) for ten years. He never said Uff and never blamed me by saying: ‘Why did you do so’ or why did you not do so?’ And the Messenger ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) of Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) had the best character among all of the people.”[Jami’ at-Tirmidhi]

You need to find other ways to get your child to do things. One way is to ask your child to be helpful. Change your command from “do this” to “please help me with this.” If your child has made a mistake, then instead of saying “that’s not how you do it” say instead “how can you fix it?” or “how can you do it better?” If your child has forgotten to do something, then just remind him using a single word. So instead of saying “How many times have I asked you to put your shoes on the rack?” say “Shoe-rack”. Your child will immediately make the connection without you ordering him.

5. Set rules and consequences

To help guide your child’s behavior, have a set of rules about how you talk to each other. It could be “no yelling at each other” and “we speak in kind low voices”. Another rule could be “we help each other”. Once you have your rules, agree on the consequences of each if and when they are broken.

Have you found these tips helpful? What other tips you have to deal successfully with back talk? Share with us in the comments.

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https://productivemuslim.com/preventing-dealing-back-talk/feed/ 13 subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He)
5 Parenting Strategies That Are Not Productive & What To Do Instead https://productivemuslim.com/parenting-strategies-not-productive/#utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=parenting-strategies-not-productive https://productivemuslim.com/parenting-strategies-not-productive/#comments Mon, 10 Jul 2017 05:00:08 +0000 https://productivemuslim.com/?p=13400 Sometimes the only parenting strategies that we use are the ones that we ourselves were raised with. Maybe they were the ones that were popular at the time and everyone was doing it with their children. More often than not, we employ certain parenting strategies without realizing if they are effective or not. To make

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Sometimes the only parenting strategies that we use are the ones that we ourselves were raised with. Maybe they were the ones that were popular at the time and everyone was doing it with their children. More often than not, we employ certain parenting strategies without realizing if they are effective or not. To make sure we are raising strong future members of the Ummah, we have to reflect on our parenting and evaluate whether we are doing the best we can. 

If you find yourself using some of these ineffective parenting strategies then read on to discover how you can change your parenting practice to be an effective parent.

1. Over-praising your child

This is probably the number one parenting strategy that most parents use. It came about in the 1980s as a response to the previous decades of strict parenting. Parents were encouraged to praise every little thing that their child did. Phrases like “Good job!”, “Well done!”, “Good boy!” and “Nice work!” were most common. It became a habit and they automatically rolled right off parents tongues.

You would think that praising increases children’s motivation to do things but, in fact, the opposite is true. Praising children demotivates them when it is used all the time;  its value decreases. When children don’t want to be told that they’re a ‘Good girl/boy’ for the hundredth time then they will avoid doing the thing that is ‘good’ to do.

Another downside of over-praising is that children will get a false sense of self. If they’re told they’re great and good all the time and for every thing, they may grow up believing they are the best thing that ever existed. They will be over-confident and arrogant.

There’s nothing wrong with having confidence but over-confidence distorts their self-worth. It makes them think that they’re better than others and that they cannot fail in anything. Pride and arrogance are what you’d want to avoid as Luqman 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) advised,

“And turn not your face away from men with pride, nor walk in insolence through the earth. Verily, Allah likes not any arrogant boaster.” [Quran: Chapter 31, Verse 18]

What to do instead

Use positive feedback. While praising is a general judgement of a child as a person, positive feedback is more specific to the child’s actions. It tells your child what he’s doing right and when he knows this he’ll be more likely to repeat it.

You can give feedback in two ways. The first is to focus on your child’s efforts. It doesn’t matter what the result is, it’s how hard he’s tried. This relieves your child either of the pressure to get a perfect result or the need to rush what he’s doing and concentrate on the process of doing it. You can say phrases like “You’ve tried really hard on that,” “You gave it your everything masha’Allah!”, “That was your best try,” “You’ve improved so much on this masha’Allah.

The second way to give feedback is to highlight your child’s abilities. What is your child really good at doing? Be specific. “The way you wrote that made me think…”, “You’ve figured out how to do those math questions,” “You’ve helped so much by doing that!”, “You’re so caring when you play with your sister.”

Can you see how much more effective these phrases are than just praising with “Great job!” and “Good boy!”?

2. Giving in to your child’s every whim

There comes a time when whenever your child wants anything, all he/she has to do is cry or throws a tantrum and she gets it. This is also known as the ‘give-it-to-her-so-she-can-be-quiet’ strategy that some parents use to maintain peace. Parents here will do anything just to avoid confrontation and keep the child from making too much noise. Of course, it is difficult to deal with a child throwing a tantrum in a busy supermarket, or maybe when you have decided to take your children to the masjid.

The other reason why some parents use this strategy is because they like to over-indulge their child. They equate love and kindness with giving in and cannot deny their child, as it would equate to being mean-spirited.

In both situations, the child knows this and will use it to control the parent in giving in to his/her demands. This creates a selfish child who does not think of others and cannot empathize with them. If he/she cannot empathize with others then how can they be generous with them? We know that generosity is a character of a Muslim. Abu Huraira raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) reported:

The Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said, “Generosity is near to Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He), near to Paradise, near to the people, and far from the Hellfire…” [Jami’ at-Tirmidhi]

The child is stuck in a ‘me-world’ where everything is centered around him/her. She will go through life expecting others fulfilling her needs and if they don’t, then he/she will go off in a rage. Needless to say, this is not good for them or their relationship with others.

What to do instead

Learn to say no and be fine with it. Be firm and consistent. If your child spots a weakening then she will grab onto that and won’t let go until she gets what she wants.

You’ve also got to know when to say no. If you say no all the time then it’s very disheartening for your child. Remember to say yes to what’s really important to aid personal growth and development, and to reward your child once in a while. Say no to material accumulation and selfish desires.

Also, teach your child to empathize with others. Point out that others have needs and wants too, with patience and consistency. Teach him/her to read how others are feeling as this is a quality of a Muslim. The Messenger ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) of Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) said,

“The parable of the believers in their affection, mercy, and compassion for each other is that of a body. When any limb aches, the whole body reacts with sleeplessness and fever.” [Sahih Muslim]

To do this you can say to your child phrases like “You’re upset because you can’t have it”, “I feel sad when I can’t give you everything you want” and “It’s ok to be disappointed when you can’t have something but it’s not ok to scream”. Be aware of the emotions of other around you so that you can use them as teaching moments to say “She’s so sad” “He’s so happy to see you” or “The cat is so scared.” Your child will soon begin to understand that there are feelings and emotions that exist other than their own.

3. Doing everything for your child

The strategy here is to treat your child like a king and you’re the subject. Your child just sits on his throne (TV couch or computer chair) while you run around doing all the chores to clothe, feed and entertain him/her.

It involves over-protectiveness. You love your child so much that you don’t want any hurt or harm to befall him/her. Since you are your child’s bodyguard, every bad thing gets deflected by you. You make sure that he/she goes through life smoothly.

The result of this parenting is a dependent child who is not self-reliant. The child is used to having things done for him that he does not know how to get on in life. He may seem selfish but that’s not the case, he just does not know what to do.

What to do instead

Firstly, teach your child to serve you not the other way around. Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) says:

“Worship Allah and join none with Him (in worship); and do good to parents, kinsfolk, orphans, Al-Masakin (the poor), the neighbour who is near of kin, the neighbour who is a stranger, the companion by your side, the wayfarer (you meet), and those (slaves) whom your right hands possess. Verily, Allah does not like such as are proud and boastful.” [Quran: Chapter 4, Verse 36]

Now, this does not put parents in a position to abuse, but we have to raise our children with the knowledge that mistreatment of parents is a major sin. Doing everything for your child may be necessary when they are very young, but continuing this as they grow older will only lead a child to demand and expect their parents to cook, clean and serve them!

So begin by having some chores for your child to do. Not only will this teach your child some life skills but it’ll also teach him self-reliance. It is important to instill an understanding that keeping the home clean and cooking the food is a team effort. It’s never too young to start. Children as young as 3 years can be taught to clean up after themselves. As your child gets older, increase the number of chores and the type of chores. You can make chores fun and part of a game, which younger children will be especially receptive of.

Let your child make his own choices and let him experience the consequences of them. It could be that he has made a bad choice but by experiencing the natural consequence of that he will have learned a valuable lesson in how to make choices. For example, if he throws his dirty clothes on the floor then soon he’ll run out of clean clothes and won’t have anything to wear. If he doesn’t do his homework then he’ll get detention at school. Let him live and learn. The important thing to remember when doing this is to make sure that the consequences are not life-threatening. It won’t hurt him if he gets detention, but it will hurt him if he hangs around with the wrong crowd.

4. Being your child’s friend instead of a parent

Some parents like to be liked by their child. They want to be a fun parent that their child can easily get along with. They do everything they can to be their child’s friend. This leads them to avoid setting and reinforcing rules for behavioral conduct. They just want to have fun with their child at all times.

But children need to have an authority figure in their life to guide them to what’s right and wrong or what’s acceptable and what’s not. They also need to respect their parents, as parents have a special status in Islam. Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) says:

“And your Lord has decreed that you should not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], “uff,” and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.” [Quran: Chapter 17, Verse 23]

Friends don’t necessarily respect each other as both are on an equal footing. But with parents, a line has to be drawn. You can still be friendly with your child but you are a parent first.

Children who are brought up like this, lack self-discipline because without rules they could do whatever they want. They also lack the respect that they should have for their parents.

What to do instead

Set some rules that are consistently reinforced. When your child is young, choose a few rules that are important to you. As your child gets older you can adjust them or include more rules with your child’s help.

Some parents set rules but they don’t enforce them at all or inconsistently do so. If it’s too hard for you to enforce a rule then don’t have that rule. Choose a different one. Rules aren’t meant to be broken. Let your child know that there will be consequences if the rules are broken then carry through with the consequence when necessary.

When your child has a clear guideline of what she can and cannot do then she can be free to behave within those boundaries.

5. Being critical, controlling and harsh on your child

Believe it or not, some parents think that by being critical of their child they are helping their child to be better. They think that children learn to improve themselves by having their mistakes pointed out so they do not repeat them. But doing this continually will erode a child’s self-esteem and create resentment.

At the extreme end, some parents use punishment on a regular basis to control their child’s behavior.  They believe that they have to be cruel to be kind. Likewise, this creates resentment and even loathing.

What to do instead

Be kind. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, was kind and he treated everyone with kindness, including children. Anas ibn Malik said,

“I served the Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) for ten years. By Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He), he never even said to me “Uff!” and he never said harshly for anything, “Why did you do that?” or, “Why did you not do that?” [Sahih al-Bukhari]

If the Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) never showed impatience or rebuked a child, how can you then treat your own child with harshness? So instead of pointing out your child’s mistakes, draw attention to what your child can do well to not repeat that action. It is also kind to reward positive behavior than to punish misbehavior. When you reward positive behavior, it is more likely to be repeated.

Are you using any of these five ineffective parenting strategies? Make the change now to what works better so you can start to see the difference in your child!

What are your effective parenting strategies for raising strong members of the Ummah? Share your thoughts in the comments below!

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https://productivemuslim.com/parenting-strategies-not-productive/feed/ 44 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him)
Five Basic Principles of Islamic Parenting https://productivemuslim.com/islamic-parenting/#utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=islamic-parenting https://productivemuslim.com/islamic-parenting/#comments Sat, 12 Nov 2016 05:00:42 +0000 https://productivemuslim.com/?p=12879 The best gift to a child by his parents is his proper upbringing. But it can be confusing and daunting with so many theories of good parenting practice to follow. No wonder most parents find it hard to raise productive and pious children! To make it easy for parents, I have narrowed down the Islamic

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Five Basic Principles of Islamic Parenting | ProductiveMuslim
Image Credit: Aneesah Satriya

The best gift to a child by his parents is his proper upbringing. But it can be confusing and daunting with so many theories of good parenting practice to follow. No wonder most parents find it hard to raise productive and pious children! To make it easy for parents, I have narrowed down the Islamic parenting to five essential principles. If we take action on these five principles, then it will help guide us and make us productive parents raising productive children.

Children are an amanah for us as Muslims, a responsibility as much as they are a gift. It is our job to make sure they become hard-working, productive and most importantly, God-fearing individuals who will be an asset to the Ummah. The Prophet Muhammad ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said,

“When a man dies, his action discontinues from him except three things, namely, perpetual sadaqah (charity), or the knowledge by which benefit is acquired, or a pious child who prays for him.” [Sunan Abi Dawud]

So our intention and aim when raising our children should be to make them a benefit for us and themselves for the Hereafter. To achieve this aim, here are the five principles that are essential to ingrain while we undertake our daily tasks of caring for our children:

  • Children are born pure
  • Parents have a responsibility to lead and guide their children
  • Leading and guiding are done with kindness and mercy
  • Children need boundaries
  • Children need responsibilities

Principle 1: Children are born pure

A person’s behavior can be interpreted in two ways: the first is that actions are assumed to be influenced by his internal characteristics; and the second is in which the possible causes of a person’s actions are related to his situation. This is the theory of attribution in social psychology. However, Allah’s subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) Messenger ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said,

“No child is born except on al-fitra (Islam or primordial human nature) and then his parents make him Jewish, Christian or Magian, as an animal produces a perfect young animal: do you see any part of its body amputated?” [Sahih Muslim]

This hadith states that Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) has created children pure, sinless and with a natural predisposition for good and a belief in the one God, i.e. there is a zero possibility of the child being influenced by his internal characteristics to misbehave. Hence, no blame can be placed on a child if he does anything wrong, especially till he reaches the age of 10. No child has any intention of doing wrong except that he is only imitating or applying what he has seen, heard, felt and learnt from his environment.

What we get to see is when the child does something displeasing to his parents, he is immediately scolded and blamed. Parents must realize that he is only acting on what he sees, hears and feels. It could be that he has copied the behavior from what went on around him.

Action step: Remember that your child is pure and innocent. If he misbehaves, then look at his environment for a possible cause.

Principle 2: Parents are guides and role models

When children are young, they are still in the process of learning what is right and what is wrong, and the correct way to behave in their environment. It is the parents’ responsibility to teach the child how to do this, how to choose his environment and decide which type of people to fill that environment with, so that they can continue to do what is good and pure. Allah’s Messenger ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said,

“Everyone of you is a guardian and is responsible for his charges. The ruler who has authority over people, is a guardian and is responsible for them; a man is a guardian of his family and is responsible for them; a woman is a guardian of her husband’s house and children and is responsible for them; a slave is a guardian of his master’s property and is responsible for it; so all of you are guardians and are responsible for your charges.” [Sahih al-Bukhari]

The child is new to the world so he does not yet know what to do. He has an innate nature to be good, but it needs to be nurtured. His parents are the ones charged with this responsibility to lead, guide and take care of him. If left alone, the child could go either way depending on who he meets and interacts with. If his parents take this responsibility seriously to ensure he grows on al-fitr and obeys Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) and His Messenger ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) then he will very likely to continue to do what is good and pure.

Action Step: Children imitate their parents more than anyone. If you find any undesired behavior in your child, check if you or your spouse has acted similarly in front of your child. Preaching that lying is a sin and then lying in front of children will not help!

Principle 3: The essentials of upbringing are kindness and mercy

One of the qualities of a great leader is that you care for those whom you are leading. Prophet Muhammad ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) had this quality. He ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) treated everyone with kindness and mercy (even to his enemies whom he did not lead). Our Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) was kinder to children, whom he would let climb over him while in prostration.

It was narrated from ‘Abdullah bin Shaddad raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) that his father said: “The Messenger of Allah ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) came out to us for one of the nighttime prayers, and he was carrying Hasan raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) or Husain raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him). The Messenger of Allah ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) came forward and put him down, then he said the Takbir and started to pray. He prostrated during his prayer, and made the prostration lengthy.” My father said: “I raised my head and saw the child on the back of the Messenger of Allah ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) while he was prostrating so I went back to my prostration. When the Messenger of Allah ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) finished praying, the people said: “O Messenger of Allah ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him), you prostrated during the prayer for so long that we thought that something had happened or that you were receiving a revelation.’ He said: ‘No such thing happened. But my son was riding on my back and I did not like to disturb him until he had had enough.” [Sunan an-Nasa’i]

How many parents do you know would let their child climb all over them while praying? As it is one of the pillars of Islam, you may become angry with your child for climbing on your back and sitting on your head. However, the Prophet Muhammad ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) understood that it is in a child’s nature to play, and therefore he ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) did not stop them. We must understand that playing and ‘kidding’ are vital for the proper development of a child, as they benefit his physical, emotional, cognitive and social development.

In another hadith narrated by`Aisha raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her),

A bedouin came to the Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) and said, “You (people) kiss the boys! We don’t kiss them.” The Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said, “I cannot put mercy in your heart after Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) has taken it away from it.” [Sahih al-Bukhari]

We know how important cuddles are for infants to make them feel safe and happy. Physical affection should not be stopped when your child grows up. Of course, you can limit it as your child gets older, but never put an end to it.

Action Step: When your child does mischief, instead of scolding and blaming, hug or pat him and say, ‘I forgive you. Let’s fix it!’ and then, explain his mistake and suggest a way to rectify it. It can also be saying ‘astaghfir-Allah’ or an apology to you or someone else. An additional habit to teach would be that a good deed wipes away a bad deed! Moreover, if your child does disturb you while praying, don’t get angry, but discourage them from this after your salah by explaining the importance of our five daily prayers.

Principle 4: Where should you draw the line for your children?

Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) has given us boundaries to keep within. The Messenger of Allah ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said,

“Verily Allah the Almighty has laid down fara’id (religious obligations), so do not neglect them. He has set boundaries, so do not overstep them. He has prohibited some things, so do not violate them; about some things He was silent, out of compassion for you, not forgetfulness, so seek not after them.” [Hadith Nawawi]

Without boundaries, society would be in chaos as anyone can do anything and infringe others’ rights. The same goes with the child. He needs a set of boundaries to guide his behavior, which gives the child the freedom to act and behave within them. If he does not know what the boundaries are then he will always be testing you with his behavior to see what is acceptable and what is not.

If the child is taught beforehand what is correct and good behavior, then he will have the guidelines to act within the boundaries and will not be left wondering and confused.

Action Step: Set rules and limits for everyone in the family (including yourself!) and take care to explain to your child why he must obey them. Children love logical reasoning, but make it simple. Have an activity session where you write simple rules on a large sheet of paper, which you can hang in the living room or kitchen as a visual reminder. Reward good behavior with stickers that they can add to their chart, culminating in a larger reward at the end of the week.

Principle 5: Small responsibilities for the small shoulder to make it big!

As each of us is responsible for what is in our care, so too does the child need to be taught responsibility. Being responsible teaches the child to be independent, but also dependable, reliable and productive. It makes him feel that he has a role in the family and a role in society instead of feeling useless. He will develop a sense of belonging and be a useful member of the family and society. It will give him purpose instead of acting up out of frustration and uselessness. It also helps to teach children about being responsible for their actions. Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) says in the Qur’an that each of us is responsible for our actions:

“Nay, and by the moon, And by the night when it withdraws, And by the dawn when it brightens, Verily, it is but one of the greatest calamities. A warning to mankind, To any of you that chooses to go forward (by doing righteous deeds), or to remain behind (by committing sins), Every person is beheld (accountable) on his own deeds.” [Qur’an: Chapter 74, Verses 32-38]

Giving responsibility at an early and appropriate age helps the child realize that if he does not do what he is supposed to then it will affect others and let them down. It also prepares the child for when the time comes for him to be fully responsible so he will not be taken by surprise. This does not mean to overburden him but to give him jobs that he can be in charge. Start at around preschool age because telling your teenager to do his chores out of the blue does not work! It needs to be done gradually over the childhood years, adding more as the child slowly heads towards maturity.

Action Step: Some simple responsibilities include asking your kid to bring his plate to the kitchen or help set the table. Later in childhood, your child can begin to wash his plate or to help you when putting away groceries. Ask your teenager to help you out in the kitchen when cooking or cleaning, to put away things properly and keep the house neat and tidy.

These are the five basic principles of Islamic parenting. It makes parenting a little bit easier when you take action on them. Once you have, you might like to find out if you have the Top 5 Qualities of a Muslim Parent. Also, please share with us in the comments how you are going to implement these principles in your home and what are your action plans.

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